Whether want it to, or even mean it to; the blogging world can give off this persona of perfection. We all edit what we share with others, and while I love and appreciate this from a creative standpoint, I do know it can also make us seem absolutely perfect. Even though I’m pretty sure we’re all far from it.
Our Instagram feeds might show only the prettiest selfies, the cleanest/most Pinterest worthy shots of our apartments and our tweets might only come across as though we’re the happiest and most put together people you’ll ever know. We all know logically this might not be true (and probably isn’t) but we’re taking this information in all day long, and it’s not hard to understand why we might feel a little inadequate if we start comparing ourselves to others. I’ve certainly done it, and I know how hard it can be to not think that way.
Today I thought I’d share with you guys a bunch of things I’m insecure about. A list of things I have little to no confidence in. I do this in the hopes that not only will it remind you guys that we all have a bunch of hang ups, but also to hopefully let it all go myself too. To just put it out there and get over it. Easier said than done I’m sure, but I’m happy to try.
So here’s a bunch of things you may or may not know about me and my insecurities. This will all be sort of negative, sorry. But bear with me.
1. I’m fat. Fat is not a dirty word, and it isn’t something to be ashamed of. However it’s something I do struggle with, and it can leave me feeling like a shell of my true self. Because whenever I ‘feel really fat‘ (I’m using this term, because it’s how my mind works, but I do know this is a negative term which makes out that fat is wrong, and I wish I didn’t do this) I feel much quieter, much less confident and much less like ‘Jemma’. I’m pretty sure I have some fucked up, unhealthy opinions of myself because of the way society treats weight. I have even found myself surprised when new people like me, because I’m like, “Wow they like me and think I’m cool even though I’m fat” – I KNOW how awful that is. Believe me, I fully agree I shouldn’t have those feelings. But I do, and I hate it. I’m sharing this and being honest just so you’ll all understand how deep my insecurities go, and how badly they affect me (even though I might not show it).
2. My smile, ughh. I have a really ugly smile. I tend to do this stupid little half smile in photos rather than a big one, because I feel very self conscious. I have very thin lips, especially my top one; and if I smile they basically disappear. I hate seeing it in photos where I just look like all teeth. Ughh.
3. My accent. Over the past year I’ve learned to accept my accent so much that I began snapchatting and started a Youtube channel, and basically said fuck it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely loathe my accent. People from Liverpool generally have a stereotype of being a bit skally, a bit thick, and maybe quite opinionated. It’s such a shame of course, but these sort of stereotypes happen all around the world. Because of this particular one, I worry no one will ever take me seriously.
4. I have no real talent. This terrifies me. What if I have no real talent? What if I’m just OKAY at some things, and that’s all I’ll ever be? I can’t think of anything I truly feel awesome at, and I wish I did. Also, this one affects me so much when people give me compliments on anything. I panic, I don’t believe them so I want to be like ‘No I’m not/dont/etc’ and basically reject the compliment. But that can look like you’re actually fishing for more (which makes me cringe!) or it just looks plain rude. So I stick with the thank you’s, and I guess I sort of try accept the compliment out of politeness. But in my head? I’m like, no you’re wrong. Every single time.
5. My eyelids. Lol, sounds so stupid doesn’t it. But I’m really heavy lidded, and it’s so annoying. I always notice it in photographs (I can totally tell from the photo above) and I feel super ugly because of it. Also I’m crap at makeup anyway and this doesn’t help.
6. When everyone is looking at me. This one sounds odd, and random; but if I feel like I’m being stared at, it makes me SO uncomfortable. It’s strange because I’m actually quite confident when public speaking, which makes no sense. Maybe because I’m distracted by whatever I’m talking about. But I haaattee knowing people are looking at me. I can’t even stand my boyfriend taking a photo of me, because I know behind that lens he’s studying me. And this is a man who loves me, who has said he will marry me. Yet I still feel it. I also experience this at random times, like when I have to stand up to get off a bus/train and I feel other passengers are looking, when I’m standing at a bar, or when I’m simply walking down the street. Feeling totally paranoid that people are staring is normal for me.
7. My intelligence. I know I’m a smart girl, I know I did well in school, in college, I am well read, and I have scored really well on IQ tests taken in the past (I also understand none of this is the sole reason/definition of intelligence!). I feel intelligent. However.. I am not confident in my intelligence. I was always that girl who began an answer in school with ‘Oh, I’m probably wrong, but…’ and I still do this now in social settings. I do it with things I KNOW I’m right about, even if I am 100% sure I have the right answer to something – I’ll still be like, ‘Oh maybe it’s this?’. I’m not confident in my intelligence, I’m not assertive with it. I’m always so worried about being wrong and looking stupid that I don’t ever just take the time to see I’ve been right a lot too. I regularly agree with friends about things they say, even if I know they are wrong, because I don’t have the confidence to be like, ‘Oh actually no..’
This is not by any means a finished list. I have many other millions of things that I’m insecure about, but I thought I’d try keep things simple (ish). I hope that you’ll take my honesty as a little reminder that we all have our shit, and we all have our doubts. I’m trying to remind myself, and hopefully some of these things will improve for me.
And also, other people probably don’t even notice half the shit we’re worried about.