Perhaps you were one of the few people awake and active on Twitter about a week or so ago, when I was having a meltdown. It was around 2am and I was a sobbing, crying mess scared of getting old and dying and making lots of mistakes with my life. I called my best friend crying, and must have terrified her, only to answer when she asked what’s wrong, with; ‘I’m scared you might die, or I might die, and we’ll be DEAD and what if you don’t even know you’re my best mate?!’ – she laughed, a lot. And then I laughed. I realised how ridiculous it was.
Let me back up a little here for you guys and try to explain.
I’m sorry if some of this is vague, but I’m worried that because this blog goes through to my Facebook, some people might read this post and I’d rather they didn’t know certain things. I’m much more open on Twitter about everything though, as I know these people don’t use Twitter. So, to get to the point – sorry if it seems like I’m being vague at all, but bear with me!
Okay. So in the last few weeks lots of big emotional things have happened, good and bad. Most notably; getting engaged and starting to plan the future, finding out an ex of mine had died, and finding out someone who hurt me in the past was finally being punished.
The engagement is something that has made me incredibly happy – I feel like my life is just getting better and better with Gary. But the actual act of marriage itself makes me feel OLD and grown up, and I hate it. I want to get married – but I don’t want to be an old married woman. Does this sound ridiculous? Probably.
Then finding out my ex had died… this was very, very sad. He was the type of ex you split up with on good terms, the type you’re still friends with, the really good guy. Just not ‘THE guy’ for you. We always stayed in touch, until around a year ago, it got less and less, and he deleted Facebook, and one of us swapped numbers, and before you know it; you just don’t know that person anymore. Then I found out he had died, suddenly, out of nowhere. It was incredibly emotional for me. This was someone who I was once so, so close to. Someone who, for a short time, was the most important person in my life. Someone I shared memories with and adventures. And then I found out he was gone. There was no chance to speak again now, no chance to see how he’s doing. It’s really strange. On the one hand he wasn’t in my life anymore anyway, but he was so young and it’s so truly sad. It made me truly realise how short life can be. We have no guarantee of a tomorrow.
And then finally, finding out someone who hurt me a long time ago was being punished. This is the one thing I can’t really speak of, but you may have seen me mention it more in depth on Twitter. It’s something really painful for me, but I felt like justice was finally being done.
So all this equals the emotional mess that I’ve been lately. And my 2am existential crisis kicked in. I was sitting on the sofa, drawing away late at night as I often am, and something just hit me. Life is fucking short, I have no idea what I’m doing, there are no guarantees, and I might be making so many mistakes that will change my life, or others lives forever. OH MY GOD.
Then the phone call to my best friend, and then Gary (who was in work), and then reaching out to old friends I haven’t seen in years. I felt manic, I felt claustrophobic with the uncertainty of life. I felt like I was missing the confidence, the certainty, the hope I was usually filled with. I was left wrecked with cruel insecurities, regrets and fear. It felt like life has been passing me by quicker than I’d realised, and I can’t do anything to stop it.
It’s been a week or so now, and it’s definitely calmed down. But I can’t say it’s completely gone and I’m back to normal. I’ve found myself second guessing everything I do or say, feeling truly insecure, and a little clueless on how to fix it all. I’m hoping it’s just a matter of (short) time and I’ll feel like myself again.
Wish me luck <3
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