I never planned on writing a post like this, but I have a bit of a confession to make.
I’m really quite lonely online.
There are plenty of reasons which make a statement like this probably seem absurd to some of you. For starters, I always seem to be chatting to people online, and I started The Girl Gang which is sometimes like a part time job, so it always keeps me busy. I know this means there are literally LOADS of babes out there who would chat to me if I needed them, as everyone is so lovely.
As well as that, I seem to have a pretty good online following. No, that’s not me bragging, because I know I’m just a tiny needle in the hugest haystack, and there are plenty out there that make me look even smaller. But I want you to know that I appreciate I have a ‘good’ following compared to when I first started out blogging, and every single one means so much to me.
And on top of those things, I’ve received an incredible amount of support from people far and wide. I’m incredibly lucky.
So how the hell do I feel lonely online?
Well, it’s hard to explain. Its like walking through the largest crowd, and everyone’s smiling at you, waving at you, and wishing you well on your way. But you’re walking alone, and as absolutely lovely as all the people in the crowd are, you can’t help but feel lonely anyway.
There’s only one blogger who I talk to very often, as in daily, on Whatsapp. And I bloody love her. We chat about everything and nothing. The mundane and the creative and the whatever. I love it. So please know this isn’t me under-appreciating that, at all. But I do wish I felt like I was more ‘involved’ in the blogging community in general. I almost tweeted this today then realised there would probably be hundreds of replies asking me how in the hell I don’t feel ‘part of it’ and I knew I wouldn’t be able to explain in tweets, so I left it. I just wish I chatted to people more often, I wish people reached out to me more. I wish I hung out with local bloggers more – as they all seem to be in these cute, lovely little group who all hang out. And I’m always just looking on in envy. – Worth noting sometimes my social anxiety can kick in and stop me from hanging in group situations. But doesn’t stop me wishing I was.
I even feel lonely within the ‘creative’ part of the community. Other Illustrators who also blog, all seem to chat to each other so much, meet up, collaborate, etc. And I think it’s bloody amazing. I definitely feel like the loner at home drawing away though.
NOW, here’s the part where I fully admit this is probably my own fault. Like maybe 70% my fault and 40% just ‘life’ and how situations play out.
I know I’m always busy. This will always be a fact it seems. But I’m still allowed to feel lonely, right?
You might also be thinking, ‘Stop moaning Jemma, reach out to people!’ – and I do! I genuinely do try to with every spare moment I have. I’ll check in with people, ask how their day went, try start a conversation, and everyone is always lovely. But most of the time it doesn’t go any further. Again, probably my fault, I’m not blaming this outside of myself. But man, it really does get me down.
And there’s circumstantial things, like this week for example. I was supposed to be seeing a local blogger and friend who I absolutely love, but I’ve had to look after Mum. As well as this, I’ve been really ill for the past month, and it’s absolutely minimised how social I’ve been. And that’s just life, it happens.
I just wish I had more people I could chat to more, or I felt more in with certain ‘cliques’. Y’know, just to feel like you have your own group of awesome babes? I always feel very much on the outside though, which sucks.
Does anyone else feel like this?
Sorry for my ramble, but hey; that’s what blogging’s for, right?
p.s. This post is 100% in reference to the blogging community and not my ‘RL’ friendships, relationships, etc. I’m very happy and lucky in that area. But I still feel this loneliness affects me deeply, as blogging is my hobby, work, life.