I feel like I could burst. Like I have so much going on inside of me, and so many thoughts to share; that they may all spill out unexpectedly to anyone who will listen, at any point. So rather than accidentally spilling my guts and oversharing with the postman when he asks how I am, I thought I’d attempt to write this blog post and get everything out.
So please bear with me, as today’s post is going to be a bit of a ramble I imagine!
I’ve been thinking about the future lately, and what I want next.
It’s no surprise really, since absolutely everyone around me is turning 30 now, my own is only a few months away, and there are weddings and babies popping up more than ever. As well as that; I have all these dreams and ambitions I want to fulfil, adventures I want to take and y’know… Netflix to catch up on. So what the hell am I doing? What’s next? Where am I going?
These questions are starting to take up more space in my days now more than ever, which isn’t great when you feel a little unsure of everything. I’m the kind of girl who always needs a plan. Having a clear action plan of what’s next whether good or bad, always makes me feel more prepared and ready to tackle anything. If I can break it down into a to-do list, you can guarantee I’ll feel a whole lot better. But the not knowing can really churn my stomach, even if it’s my own fault I don’t know what I want.
Okay so, let’s try break this down for you dear reader, step by step.
It’ll help you understand, and it may even make me feel better.
Gary and I are engaged as you know, and we have been for one year now. I desperately want that wedding, I want that official marriage, I want that pretty dress and fairy lights and an excuse to have all my loved ones in one room together. But that costs money. Even if we have a SUPER cheap, easy, small wedding (which is fine with me), it still costs at least a grand or so (and that’s really cutting it cheap).
So, money. Right now even with Gary’s promotion, and even on my BEST possible month of sales on my Etsy store; we make enough to cover bills, and maybe have enough over to have a date night or something (often not). But that’s it. Like it’s seriously living payday to payday and just getting by. This has been fine for us for the past year or two, for a few reasons. We live small, and don’t want for much in terms of material goods. We have a nice home, and we live a happy life. I’m also endlessly grateful that I get to create things and work from home; since my raging anxiety has caused me serious depression in the past when working in tough working environments. So the fact that this means my mental health is SO, so much better and being taken care of is amazing. Another reason we’ve been okay with such a low income is that we have had no big, serious worries or responsibilities apart from our own bills, food, etc. We haven’t felt the pressure to rush our wedding, and we haven’t got any children yet. I’ve been using this time to work on myself, and push my creative projects as much as possible, and Gary has been using this time to further his career.
But now I’m getting a little… antsy.
This is the part dear reader, where I reveal to you all that Gary and I have been quite broody, for a while now. We’ve spoken about having kids for years, but in the past 12 months we’ve really started to have those serious talks, and things have felt closer to reality than ever. For example, when we were changing around the office a few weeks ago; Gary asked what we were going to do when this had to be turned into ‘the baby’s room’. We then planned where I could work, and how we could make more space in this home for a new little member of the family. No biggie, we have these conversations a lot now tbh.
So, am I ready for a baby?
Honestly? I have no idea. I’m sure it’s rare for anyone to 100% feel ready, but I have so many other issues too that I really wanted ‘sorting’ before a baby entered the picture. The money thing; I want to know I can provide enough for a child, obviously. I don’t want the stress of a bill freaking me out when I also need to be buying a pram, baby clothes, nappies and… other baby things I’m not at all accustomed to (surely that’s all they need, right??!! RIGHT??!).
And okay, let’s say we save ahead of time, to really feel prepared, and luck goes our way, and family helps, and the whole money issue is SORTED. Let’s pretend for a sec. Even then, am I ready??
I also want to be MARRIED first. Ughh. Back to the money issue. I know it’s not a big deal and it doesn’t matter and so many of my friends aren’t married, or they got married AFTER the baby was born – But guys I know myself really well, and I feel like if I don’t do this before a baby, I won’t do it after. I just can’t see it happening, which would make me incredibly sad. Did I mention I want an excuse for all my friends and family to be in one room and get loads of lovely photos?
And finally (I promise this ramble will end.. soon), what about my ambitions?
I have so much I want to achieve. I want to create so many exciting things and pursue some of my dreams, and feel that happy flutter in my chest knowing that I’m truly living the dream.
The dream doesn’t have to mean being rich, or wildly successful, or even being Insta-famous (haaaa). The dream just means pursuing things, challenging myself and doing all the little things on my wishlist. I suppose this is the one that I’m least worried about. Because I’m an ambitious person by nature, and I don’t see that changing when I’m a mother. I do acknowledge it will be harder, and I may be slower, but I damn well won’t be stopping. But I’d like to know that I won’t be giving up the most important part of myself, as that does scare me a little. I love seeing successful, ambitious mum bloggers/artists/creators as it just makes me feel a whole lot better better about the damn thing. It can be done!
So here we are. I’m turning 30 in April, and I really want a baby before I’m say… 32. And I want to get married. And I want Gary and I to be be able to travel a little bit (I don’t mean anything fancy, I literally just mean have a damn holiday once a year, which we haven’t been able to do for the past 3 years!). I also want to pursue my dreams, push myself creatively, and grow as a person. Hmm.
How can I do all this, especially when one of the biggest factors is such a small income?
Gary and I have spoken about this, and we’ve sort of engineered a plan.
Since you know plans turn me on, and creating lists makes my soul feel better; here, read our plan in handy list form.
5 Step Action Plan
1. We’re spending the next few months using our pennies on OURSELVES. I’ve booked us a teeny, tiny little trip to London in November, just to browse, have fun, and do something different. We’re also visiting friends and family in Liverpool, and having people come visit us here. The rest of 2017 is going to be spent just enjoying ourselves, and indulging in FUN, love and being relatively free of responsibilities.
2. The start of 2018 is when things get serious. We’re going to open a joint account and start saving each month. I’m going to budget the hell out of everything I can, give up anything we don’t need, and plan our income down to the pound. We will spend 2018 saving like hell. It’s going to be HARD guys.
3. I’m going to finally tackle some of these ambitions I have, and really put a plan together to take on the projects that have been swirling around my head for the past year. I’m so, so hoping for your support on them; because it will make the hugest difference to our life.
4. Time wise; I’m hoping saving in 2018 means we can plan and book our wedding, however small it may end up being. This means we may get married near the end of 2018 if it’s doable, or in 2019.
5. With the whole of 2018 spent saving and planning, and hopefully having a wedding underway; we can then actually plan for a baby. Yes this little dork plans to have one of her own, and 2018 will probably be my last year of ‘freedom’!
So.. that’s where I am. Over 1500 words later and you’re a little closer to understanding me and knowing what’s going on behind this screen. As well as helping me clear my own head by getting all of this word vomit out; I really wanted to get feedback from you guys on this whole being an adult thing. How can we budget better? Do you have tips on teeny, tiny weddings? Did you worry this much before becoming a mother? Are you thinking about the future? Do you plan ahead this much or am I a crazy lady?
Tell me everything! And please, any words of encouragement to ease my panic are greatly welcomed!
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