This post is a mish-mash of my jumbled thoughts and for that I apologise already. I already know that structure will be lost in this post, and I hope you can forgive me for using my blog as a bit of a diary here. Basically I’m trying to organise my thoughts and make myself feel better. I’m dealing with a lot of worry lately, and whether it’s justified or not; it’s starting to take it’s toll on me.
Recently I’ve had especially happy things happen, and for that I’m so excited/hopeful/grateful. I also have a partner who supports me through everything, and great friends. But unfortunately I’ve always been the type of person to seriously worry about things I don’t need to, or let little events alter my whole happiness. I’m grateful I’ve not had any panic attacks in a while, or felt that serious anxiety that can sometimes cripple me. But what I’m feeling lately, although vastly different, is still affecting me as badly I think.
My recent unhappiness comes from my current job. It’s a running joke that this year I’ve had a handful of different jobs and I haven’t sat still for very long in one place. Mostly that’s been from wanting to find something I like, or just generally wanting more work hours/etc. You know, the usual reasons people find new jobs. Right now I’m working part time in a retail store, with nowhere near enough hours. And you know.. it’s retail, ughh. But even that’s not the problem. The problem is my boss. She is someone who has been very curt with me in the past, but now has taken it to another level. She has taken to berating me for things out of my control, in front of other colleagues. She has began to speak to me in a very rude and demeaning manner. She snaps at almost anything. She is never grateful when I’m trying to be helpful. And she never speaks to me with any sort of manners or respect.
Now please let me be clear, I know I can be a sensitive person sometimes, and I also know I can’t go through life with everyone liking me. That’s fine. But I still expect to be treated fairly, and I don’t feel that I am right now. It’s making me so miserable in and outside of work. If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen my status a few days ago saying how miserable I was. I had left work after another awful experience and walking away didn’t give me any relief or pleasure. I ended up crying on the way home, despite really trying not to. I imagine it would have looked hilarious had it not been so upsetting..
This sort of thing has become more common the past week or two, and it’s really affecting me. I’ve had trouble sleeping, I count down the days/hours until my next shift at work with utter dread, I’ve been crying a fair few times, and even today I made an excuse not to go in – which I never do in any job. Which reminds me to also mention – I am a really good worker – In case you think that I obviously must be doing something to justify this treatment I’ve been getting. This is one thing I can state with confidence in my life. No matter what job I’m in, whether its big or small, whether I love it or hate it – I do it well. I try hard, I don’t slack off, I help wherever I can, I’m friendly and pleasant to everyone I work with or deal with, and I a reliable. Seriously I have so many things in life I am not confident about, but this is not one of them.
So here I am with a constant tummy-churning feeling, lack of sleep, no appetite, not able to enjoy anything, not talking to friends as much, counting down the hours and forever worrying about my next encounter with this woman who I’m letting cause me so much unhappiness. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I didn’t worry. God knows Gary has told me to just quit enough times. But I can’t. I feel trapped, and it’s made things even worse. I’d feel awful if I left without having another job, forcing Gary to earn for us and meaning we’re skint for a while. He works so hard already. I’d be wracked with guilt. So right now I’m job hunting like crazy, and hoping someone phones soon, this weekend, tomorrow, today, in a minute. It can’t come quick enough.
This post is to ask for help I suppose. Any advice or tips to dealing with worry? Anything I could do each day to change my outlook, or concentrate on the positive things? I’ll take anything I can get. I do feel I can’t speak to my manager, before any of you suggest. The thought of that would make me feel a million times worse. I wish I could deal with these things head on, but I know I won’t/can’t. Also, there is only one manager there, nobody else, no supervisors etc. It’s a small workplace with only her, and then a few of us part time staff. I’m not after a solution to deal with her, as I think nasty people (and she really is..) will always be that way. I’m after help with how I can deal with my issues. My over worrying and increasing misery, if possible.
And finally just a note – a thank you. If you’ve read this far I appreciate it so much more than I could say. I’m just writing away hoping that getting it out there will help a little, I hope. So thank you for reading my words and putting up with a not so positive post.
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