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Struggling a Little.

24th March 2016

Hi guys, hope you’re having a good week so far.

Right now I have no idea what to say in this post really, except that I know I want to write it. I feel like I need to share how I’m feeling right now. 

I’m struggling a bit.

Nothing major, nothing to worry about, I’m generally good. But, also… not?

It’s a combination of things really; my schedule, my physical and mental well being and my overall feeling of confidence I guess.

You lovely lot must be sick of me always saying how busy I am, I appreciate that. But it’s the truth, I’m ALWAYS busy. I’m trying to balance everything, and it’s become a game of ‘How much sleep can I survive on?’ or ‘Do I really need to make time for myself this week?’. Not great. I spend all my time working on designs for people (bloggers and small businesses) and I need to do this, as it makes up the majority of my income. Then I try to work on building up The Girl Gang, whether it’s helping people out, promoting others, working on upcoming newsletters or even just keeping up with messages. Then there’s planning the event, that’s a whole other job in itself. I know the event is months away, but it takes serious planning and a lot of time and energy and I’m basically shitting myself with worry about pulling it off.

Then there’s the fact that this crazy busy schedule means I get less time for myself, for actually having fun with friends, seeing family, or even doing something fun with Gary. You may follow me on Snapchat – where I often share daily updates and it might look like I do fuck all except piss about with Gary or whatever. I can honestly say those snaps make up about 20 mins in total of my day and the rest is spent working or worrying. Plus, I’m hardly gonna show the boring/crappy parts, am I?

I can’t remember the last time I read a book. This makes me so upset, as I’m a huge bookworm really. You know The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo book series? Well they released the latest book in this series after YEARS of me waiting for it, and although I started it months ago – it’s still on my Kindle only half read. I desperately want to read it (as well as about 50 other books on my to read list) but I never find the time. Man, I haven’t even mentioned yet how hard it is to keep up with blogging!

I have to schedule days to visit my mum, and I struggle to do that once every two weeks. If a friend wants to make plans with me, they have to check in with me and make a date at least a week beforehand. I no longer spend time on myself how I wish I could. 

God, this is turning into such a rant. Sorry guys. I almost want to cry, because even now I’m worried about this post being negative, and people thinking I’m ungrateful for what I have. I’m always fucking worried about annoying people, or saying something wrong. But I genuinely just wanted to give a little insight, to explain. I hope you understand.

So basically, with this combination of everything lately, I’ve been feeling a little less ‘sparkly and happy’. I’m not looking after myself as well as I could, and it;s getting me down. I’m terrified of being a failure though.

The thing is, I have offers of help! I really do, a lot of the time from other bloggers which is amazing. I appreciate every single damn offer I get, it warms my heart. The problems are though, that 1. There is lots people are unable to help with, like design work, obv. And then 2. I’m a control freak. I wish I weren’t. But people offer to help with The Girl Gang stuff and I just can’t bear to say yes, it kills me. I never thought I’d turn into that person who struggles to take a back seat. But I promise I’m trying. I added in two admins to the girl gang Facebook group, I have said yes to someone very kindly offering to help with the event, and I try to remember that the world isn’t going to end if I take a day off. But I still don’t! Lol. I’m a dick basically. 

Oh also, I’m super sensitive. So stupid things which shouldn’t bother me REALLY do. Someone made a suggestion to me recently about something I’m NOT doing with the girl gang, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream through my laptop screen, ‘I’m trying!!!’ – but of course, I didn’t. They meant well, they really did. But I was just like; I know, I’m a failure, I get it. I wish I didn’t have this attitude.

I’m going to try shut up now.

But all I wanted to say was, I’m nowhere near perfect. If you can bear with me, if you can understand, or if you can offer any advice; I’d be so grateful. Taking on a positive attitude has genuinely changed my life for the better, and I always aim to be that girl who smiles. But right now? Well right now I’m hunched over a desk at 1am and I’m hoping I can get to sleep before 4am. Right now I’m hoping I don’t wake up to someone emailing me asking why I haven’t replied yet. Right now I’m grateful Gary is willing to make me another coffee and keep me company while I work. Right now I’m really not very smiley.

I’m sure my normal self will be back soon, but it’s probably good to acknowledge that everyone has bad times too. 

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