We’re nearing the end of November, what the hell?
Is it just me or did 2016 seem to go by in the craziest and most annoying of blurs? I feel like I took a nap and missed most of it. Well anyway, it’s coming to the end of November and I have a little confession to make. I have my Christmas tree up already, eep!
Today I have woken up with the worst attack of flu ever; my throat almost closing over, migraines, struggling to breathe, tight chest, the full monty of flus basically. So Gary decided to cheer me up by making the flat very festive, as he knows I’ve been keen to this week! So yep, we have the Christmas tree up, tinsel hanging everywhere, and fairy lights blinking as I type this. I know it’s not even December yet, but try not to judge me.
I know it’s only Tuesday, but I felt the need to check in with you all this evening. I never got a chance last Sunday to do my favourite chatty catch up type posts, and since I’m sick, on the sofa huddled in blankets with the laptop; I thought I might as well say hey and catch up with you guys. So hey! (sympathy welcome).
The last week was strange, I was very low, then very high. I got myself super stressed, had a cry, tested my nerves to the edge and wondered if if all the effort I put into my work was even worth it. Then after my hissy fit, I created these cute donut and milk carton stickers. So not all bad. Then I got super cheered up, by catching a movie with two all friends I never see enough off. We went to see Fantastic Beasts and oh my god it was amazing. Eddie Redmayne was bloody brilliant, the story had me hooked, and I even shed a little tear at the end. Definitely one to go see!
I received some bloody lovely things in the post recently, like the dress shown above from Lovedrobe. I absolutely love it! They actually sent me two lovely dresses, and I’ll be wearing the pink one to an event soon; so I’m sure I’ll share photos with you all. If I can manage to get an OKAY-ish one.
I’m still super petrified and horrified by photos of myself, and I’m really trying to change that. It’s so, so hard though. I didn’t tell anyone this; but around 2 months ago I was invited by a magazine that I’m pretty sure you’ll all know, to go to London and meet them. They wanted to do a full photoshoot, interview and feature within the magazine – and it would have been AMAZING. Can you guess what happened? I turned them down. I just couldn’t bear the thought of someone photographing me at all in a professional setting. Let alone ME be the sole focus, have everyone stare at me, have to do it for HOURS, and just looking an absolute mess compared to what they’re used to.
Here’s the bit where I’m probably supposed to say I regret turning them down, but I can’t. See the thing is, even weeks later, this makes me incredibly sad I missed this opportunity; but I 100% know I’d say no again if they asked tomorrow. It’s a horrible thing to know, to realise that you are holding yourself back. Especially as someone who loves trying new things, pushing herself, and being ambitious. Yet it’s my own fault, but I really, truly can’t help it.
I see full length photos of myself and want to tear them up immediately, I want to cry. I hate everything about my body. It makes me feel sick, and it makes me angry whenever people get photos of me like this. Which is obviously ludicrous because they don’t realise how it makes me feel, and it’s just me being a bit of a dickhead. It’s not even the fact that I’m fat. See, I do want to change that, I really do if we’re being honest. But it’s not that at all, I’ve always felt this way about photographs, even when I was very slim. And I adore, admire and full on do heart eyes at a load of plus size bloggers who flaunt it; so what exactly is my problem?
I just feel my body isn’t right, and I truly hate it.
I know, that’s really not a nice thing to say about myself, but there we go.
I’m trying to change my body physically, and also trying to change my mind and the way I see myself. But it’s so god damn hard.
I’m really scared that I’m always going to hold myself back. Especially because as a blogger, people connect with you more the more they SEE YOU. It’s just basic human instincts; you connect with people who do videos, who share photos, who aren’t afraid to be themselves and share it with the world. And here I am trying to do that, while also wanting to cringe every time I see a photo or video of myself. I even obsess about times I’ve met bloggers at events, and wondered if they were just full of judging me afterwards, thinking about how ugly and awkward and gross I am.
There was one blogger that I really worried about meeting once; and the first time she met me she came right up to me, hugged me, told me I looked pretty and that we needed a picture together. I have never told her, but she made me cry that night when I thought back to that moment, and it still really pulls at my emotions now. And I don’t think she ever knew, because I always act so confident meeting people. I’m skilled socially you see, I know this. But afterwards when I’m alone I turn into this self hating, terrified mess.
I suppose what I’m saying here is, I’m really sick of being like this. I’m really trying to change how I feel about myself, but I’m not sure if I can. I just kind of wanted people to know, no matter how happy/excitable/confident I may seem, I’m definitely not like that on the inside. It kills me.
Let’s hope by the time the next big opportunity comes knocking, I’m ready to bloody answer that door.
Wish me luck. xx
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