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I’m Really, Really Not Okay.

20th April 2018

Okay cue the emo music.

I have no idea why I’m writing this, or what I even plan to say. I guess I’m hoping some sort of clarity will come from it, or I might feel slightly better, or maybe it’ll just explain some of what’s going on with me at the moment.

Because I do feel like I need to explain where I’ve been lately. For the past month I’ve been really distant, my blog has gone so quiet you can practically hear crickets, and I haven’t been as chatty or as active online as usual. While I can’t explain it all right now, I just wanted to be honest and say that I’ve been struggling. REALLY BAD.

I haven’t felt like myself for over a month now. As I write this I’m really ill, tired, and unmotivated. My creativity has been squashed like a bug and it’s made me so sad. And when I’m sad I’m even less inspired; it’s like a vicious circle. On top of all that we’ve had a death in the family, and I currently have ยฃ12 in my bank at this exact moment. I’m panicking about bills coming out Monday, and buying basic things like food. The reason things are so bad at the moment is that two big jobs I had lined up, just cancelled on me. One of them was the biggest and most exciting work I’ve ever been offered, and the pay day was going to be something special. As well as the normal disappointment of this being cancelled, I now don’t have those promised payments coming in. So panic has set in a little.

Money isn’t the only problem, but it’s making all the other problems worse. It’s hard to look after your mental health when worrying about buying food, or paying next week’s bills. It’s hard to be creative when you have no money to buy canvases or supplies to create. I started hand painting unique coaster sets, and after showing them on Instagram; I had a few people love them and want to buy them. Great. Except I still need to buy a sealant to finish them off before I can sell them – and I don’t have the money to buy it. 

It’s basically 100 little things like this, all building up. I’m trying my best to push myself, to keep going, to do anything I can. And each time, something keeps knocking me back down. I’ve cried more this past month than I have in years. Another example? I’ve been working away on Tshirt designs; something I’m really excited about. I perfect something I’d wanted for a while, cute, but minimalist in style, and something that would hopefully appeal to a few people. I just today went to upload the design, and the website won’t work. I’ve tried over and over all day, and it just keeps crashing. This isn’t a big problem in the long run, but it’s a good example of how nothing is going right for me at the moment (I’ll be sure to put my tees on Instagram and Twitter as soon as they are live).

And so I’ve been a crying mess. I don’t know how to get back to my usual self, and how to fix all my worries. This blog has been quiet purely because I’m struggling SO HARD behind the scenes. I’m trying to keep things together but I’ve no idea what to do if I’m honest.

I’m hoping I can book in some commissions, sell a painting, make some Etsy sales, find my creativity again, catch a break, and feel like myself as soon as possible.

 

I have a knot of worry and anxiety and self loathing in the pit of my stomach every single day right now.
But that’s where I am. That’s why I’m quiet.
Let’s hope I’m back to ‘normal’ soon.

 


 
 

 

lovej

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