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The Hardest Part Of Motherhood

3rd March 2019

 

I’ve been at this Mum gig for over three months now, which feels crazy to say since it seems like just a moment ago I was pushing him out of me! It’s definitely the biggest life change I’ve had so far, and the most rewarding. It’s like my whole world has shifted, and everything naturally revolves around him now.

My heart bursts whenever my baby boy smiles at me, and I couldn’t put into words how much I love him. But being a Mum is also SO, SO HARD. I knew that it would be hard going in (which is why I put it off for an extra year or two until I was 100% ready); but I didn’t realise how emotionally drained it would leave me. 

There are the obvious difficult parts of being a parent; like the sleepless nights, the worrying over every decision, the guilt when you leave them with someone else for a few hours. But I’ve realised the worst part for me, is this unending doubt about my whole future. Since I’m self employed, working in a very unstable field – it’s hard to know if I’ll make enough money each month to cover my normal bills, let alone if I’ll have enough for unexpected ones, or anything River may need in the future. Gary works so hard for all of us, and has recently decided to go back to Uni next year to do a degree in nursing as it’s something he’d be really great at, and would love. In the long run this is also going to be amazing for our little family, and River will grow up so proud of his Dad doing something he loves, and helping people. 

But this leaves me questioning my own ‘career’.

Am I doing enough?

Will I ever be successful? (By successful I just mean make enough to live comfortably without many worries)

What if I fail?

In fact, I recently shared this illustration on Instagram to represent my current daily thoughts…

So this gives you a tiny snippet of an idea how I’m feeling. Worried, all the time, basically.

So having a baby has definitely increased my anxiety I’m sad to say. Because now I have someone counting on me, and I didn’t realise just how daunting that would feel. 

My days are spent playing with River, watching Hey Dougie, changing nappies, and doing feeds. All the while in the back of my mind I’m wondering if I’ll make enough money for us when my maternity leave is over. Will I even be able to find TIME to work and create while looking after him?? What do I actually do if I fail??

These are the questions now keeping me up at night, and these are the reason I’m working as hard as I can to plan for the future in any way I can. 

So if you see me sharing my work online, please support it! If you like something in my shop when I reopen, please buy it! If you think I’d be perfect for a project you hear about, recommend me!

Being a mother is absolutely beautiful, and I’d do anything to help my little boy and his future. That includes sharing my experience with you guys as honestly as I can, and asking for help. So here we are.

I know this sounds like pleading, and that’s because it really is, truth be told. I can’t afford to not ask for help. 

 

I hope you guys don’t mind me writing about this so openly, and being quite frank about my worries. It helps to get my anxieties out there, and makes them feel a little less overpowering.

xo

lovej

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