I’m always one step behind.
I have lists upon lists of things I want to do, goals I want to achieve, dreams I want to chase. Yet I always seem a little bit behind on myself, from where I want to be or where I think I should be.
I have a project I’m working on, that has fuelled a fire inside of me for the first time in about 2 years. A creative spark has come to life, and I’ve been trying to keep that spark alive as I work through this little idea of mine. I’m working away really hard on this, day and night (mostly night), and pouring my heart and soul into something I can hopefully be proud of by the end of it.
The problem with working away on a project like this, is the ‘bubble effect’ as I’ve decided to name it. I am so much of a control freak, that I don’t like to show anyone my work until it is complete, not even Gary. I don’t like people seeing things half done, mid process, unfinished. It makes me feel anxious, as though they just ‘won’t get it’ no matter how I try to explain it, or they won’t be able to envision this idea I have. It’s not that I’m doing something uniquely complicated, it’s just because of my utter control issues that I feel like this. And living in this bubble with only myself for company, means that when my confidence dips; I only have myself to rely on, to pick myself back up.
Being an Artist makes me hugely critical too, which is a given. So lack of belief in my own work will very often be common, only having wonderful, ecstatic moments of trust in what I’m doing, rarely. Social media makes it so much easier to keep up with Artists/creators/people who inspire me, but it means I’m constantly bombarded with people who are absolutely better than me in ways I can never compete with. That’s a fact for us all, in different ways; and it’s hard to swallow sometimes. I have to accept that some people will do some things better. The point is that I still do them. The point is that I am doing something I feel like I was meant to do, that I need to do.
I recently discovered someone had just completed a project, that is similar to the one I’m working on – and I wanted to cry and scream all at once. I felt as if I was behind again, just a moment too late; dreams dashed. It was similar in the way that it’s the same sort of outcome of the project, but honestly? It’s different in every other way. I soon realised I needed to stop comparing myself and my work, as it’s unique in it’s own right. Has this person done what I’m going to do? No. Has this person expressed what I’m going to express? No. Does this project mean that I shouldn’t work on mine, or that nobody else can do something like this? Hell no. I need to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and I need to stop beating myself up every chance I get.
“If you’re willing to do something that might not work, you’re closer to being an Artist.”
What I do need to do; is prioritise. This is something I’ve wanted to do for YEARS, yet only this year I seemed to realise that I can actually do it. So what the hell am I waiting for? I’ve stopped all other projects, and everything else that is non essential will soon be taken off my schedule for a bit. I’m clearing space, and I’m making this my priority. I’m looking after my needs, as this is my dream. So it’s time that I focus on this project above all else, and try to champion myself for once. I’m determined to not feel ‘behind’ anymore, and I’m chasing this dream with all my soul.
I’m going to be kinder to myself, and maybe, just maybe; I’ll catch up.
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