It’s been four days since my last blog post, which is very unusual for me as you’ll know if you’re a frequent visitor. I usually only have one day between posts if anything… two at a rare push! But four? Ya gal has been slacking. I’ve mostly been spending time at the canvas, and enjoying time with Gary since he had a few days off for once; so it was for good reason I wasn’t posting constantly here.
We’re only two weeks into January but I feel really quite proud of how my goals have been going. The only money I’ve spent is on supplies I need for Etsy (and home essentials), my swimsuit finally came so Gary and I will be heading to the pool on Monday morning, I’ve put out some new pieces on Etsy that I’m really proud of (especially this and this), and I’ve planned a nice amount of content for here and Instagram to keep things flowing for the month.
However well my little goals for January may be going though, the one thing I feel most proud of is my new attitude to facing my fears. That makes it sound like I’ve been jumping out of planes or becoming friends with a spider all of a sudden – no no no no. You see, I realised recently how many little, tiny fears I had niggling away at me; and how this actually affects my life in a big way.
Being terrified of failure means I’ve been too scared to start a big project that I’ve wanted since I was a kid, even though it can be done here at my laptop without anyone knowing.
Being scared of how others will judge me has stopped me doing something that I LOVE which will keep me healthy and happy; even though it’s just a simple thing like going for a swim.
I’ve been so worried about making the wrong choice, that I put off even thinking of trying for a baby for a year; even though it was something that I wanted.
I’m so insecure and worried of how I seem to the outside world, that sharing a photo or video of myself is a huge deal. It’s made me say no to some amazing opportunities.
In short, being scared sucks.
Little fears are tugging away at my soul and forcing me to hide in the shadows of my own life.
How sad is that? I feel like a lot of people can probably relate to this. We all have little things that scare us, that could be so freeing and brilliant if we let them go. I always had this little fantasy of an alternative Jemma, who was completely fearless… and I mean FEARLESS. Someone who did absolutely anything she liked, someone who did not give two f***s about what people thought, someone who lived so openly and free and happy that it would be strange to be anything else.
Im sadly not like that, not quite yet. I still worry about something I accidentally said to a cashier once, or that time I fumbled over my words meeting someone new. I’m a worrying, over-thinking mess. So it’s fair to say I’m not quite Superwoman yet.
But here’s the thing; I am trying. And I’m getting better. I’m facing each day with a brave face and a new attitude. As previously mentioned, I’m going swimming next week and getting back into something I love. I still feel worried and I’m sure my anxiety will be through the roof Monday morning, but I’ll have Gary there with me, and life really is too short to be ruled by these things.
I’ve also started writing my book. I’m doing it 100% for me, for the pleasure of writing it, and to have a document of memories that I can laugh about and treasure forever. It’ll be an amazing way to record my life, and pass it onto my future child. I’m writing a book about my childhood, growing up, my experiences, and my crazy family – so it’s something that will be completely unique to me too, which feels special. I’m facing my fear of rejection and failure, and just doing something I’ve always wanted to do. Keep an eye out for more updates on this.
And finally, as many of you know; Gary and I are trying for a baby. This is the most terrifying of all my fears, because you can’t exactly go back. It’ll change our lives in a massive way forever, and there’s no step by step guide on how to do things (though the parenting section of Waterstones will have you believe different, I’m sure). I’m scared mostly of losing who I am. I’m scared of not being an Artist, I’m scared of my personality changing, I’m scared of not being able to follow my passions. But it’s something I really want, so I have to make it work! I’m going to take it one step at a time, but I’m stepping into scary new territory.
So as you can see, I am facing my fears already in 2018. I’m putting myself out there, and trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach and keep going. I’m scared, but I’m doing it. Let’s just hope things get easier, and that I one day become that alternate version of myself who is as fierce and fearless as I wish I were now.
Because I’m ready to meet her.
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