It’s a whole mish mash of good and bad. Mostly good, or I wouldn’t be doing it. It’s no secret by now though, that this week for me has been unequivocally bad. It’s just a really, really, bad week.
There’s nothing I love to do more than inspire. In fact, if I could gain nothing else from people reading this blog, other than inspiring them; well, that’d pretty much be okay with me still. Unfortunately I feel like I’m all out of inspiration for the first time since I started this blog, back in March 2014… and it fucking sucks. It’s not necessarily that I’ve lost inspiration for blog post ideas, I still seem to have all of next month pretty much planned out, and I always have a notebook full of extra ideas in case. No, it’s more just inspiration for myself and where I can go.
This whole blogging thing is so damn competitive (yeah I know, this is news to no one, ever.) But I’ve never actually felt it before now. I’m feeling inadequate and I’m feeling like there’s no point trying. I feel like I’m good at being creative, that’s the one thing I’ve always felt confident with- but when I’m having a low time, my creativity dwindles. Which leaves me coming up empty.
What else have I got to offer? I’m fat, and not at all beautiful in the traditional sense so I can’t rock fashion blogging the way some can (there are people who are plus size and not ‘traditional’ models who still rock this, obviously. But they have other things I don’t…) I don’t have the confidence anyway, and I think for fashion blogging to be successful you need style (nope), beauty (everyone loves admiring beautiful people- it’s natural. So nope.), and confidence. Or at least one of the three. I have none. These are just my opinions by the way, and I’d love to be proven wrong on them.
Okay so maybe beauty blogging? I already do that, but it’s just rambling about products I’ve used recently and whether I’ve loved or hated them. I have no in depth beauty knowledge, and I’m probably not very helpful in my reviews either. I was always okay with this, I just wrote what I felt like. But now, I’m like… maybe I do need to be better?
And there’s the fact that I’m poor. Okay, not like living on the streets poor. I’m very lucky to be living somewhere nice and safe with my loving boyfriend and our little furball cat. But poor as in, I have to plan every penny, I have to make sure I have enough for the bills, I sometimes worry about buying food for the next week or two, I have plenty of debts, I’m in my overdraft and can never seem to pay it off and I can’t go out with friends or buying nice things all of the time. It’s okay, I’m actually not moaning here (forgive me I know it seems that way). But I do think that can hold me back in blogging too. I can’t go out there and buy the newest product releases, I can’t make it to very many of the events I’m invited to, and I worry people will look down on me.
So what else? What can I offer you on this blog? I honestly don’t know right now. My passion is still there, but I’m just feeling so hidden and unimportant. I feel like the annoying loser kid trying to get everyone’s attention, ‘Yo, it’s me! Hi! Over here!’. Blogging at its core is just a way for me to write, just like I’m doing right now. I’ll always do it because it’s what I love. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it feels pretty disappointing wondering if it’ll ever go anywhere, because I do want it to. So bad. There are plenty of writers out there who are inspiring, hilarious, honest, quirky and knowledgeable. I just honestly don’t think I can ever compete. Knowing that is getting me down right now, even though it shouldn’t. I am beyond blessed, and I know there will be a lot of people who will read this and be bored of me. I’m just like everyone else, why am I moaning?
Well I think that’s exactly it. Am I just like everyone else? Maybe I am. I think I’m starting to think that way. I’m sinking further and further into the background, hiding in the shadows, afraid to try shine because I’m worried I’ll look stupid. I am usually so motivated to do my best, and I encourage myself that I can do something important here, I can make a difference in this huge blogging community somehow, I can make people feel good and I can inspire them. I can shine in my own little corner of the internet.
I’m not quite sure right now.
I have no idea how I could ever compete with the others, or how I could ever stand out. I suppose I should get over it, accept that I’m not special, and stop being a brat. But don’t we all just really want to feel different, to feel special and unique?
I really don’t know what could make me unique though. So maybe I’m just destined to get lost in this huge, never ending feed of bloggers.
I hope this mood goes soon, and I can not only inspire you guys; but inspire myself too. I hope I laugh it off and realise what a dick I’m being, and how much all of this doesn’t matter. But I can promise I only care this much because I’ve never felt so passionate about anything in my life. So please forgive me for this ramble.
Here’s to figuring this shit out.
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