Anyway. I’m kinda drunk. Not totally battered, but you know; that sort of perfect messy? I thought it was about time I did another one of these brain splurges.
Right now I’m listening to Alkaline Trio – Fuck You Aurora, just in case you want to know for context and things. This song gives me so many feels, for so many different reasons. Mostly regret I’d say. So you would think I’d stop listening, but I also adore it haha.
I can feel a friendship slipping, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I hate it. The more I mention it though, the more it seems to fade. And trying to fix it.. well, I am trying. But it seems pointless right now. And I believe the other person when they say it’s not intentional, but.. it could be stopped? You know? Surely.
I’m actually in a good-ish mood, but I’m also thinking about some things that aren’t great I guess. The people I miss, the things I’m not doing, how I’m not quite the person I want to be yet. I never really say out loud, or even written down I guess, OR even in my own head… how insanely worried I am. Focusing on the positive all the time really helps me. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have any problems, or these troubling thoughts don’t enter my head and really nestle in there. Because they do.
My biggest fears and biggest concerns are always about living life to the fullest, taking chances, making memories. I don’t know if I do enough. And then I say things like that and I think, ‘Am I TOO worried, about being worried?!’ Arghh. I don’t know. Maybe I stress about it too much. But then if I stop caring, maybe I won’t take as many chances or go for things I want.. and maybe I’ll look back in twenty years with an aching heart full of regret. I don’t know. Am I torturing myself? I swear these are like my DAILY thoughts, is that normal?
I want sent old photographs last week, that an old friend found of me. I immediately felt my heart drop to my stomach, it felt like it was dragging me down. Nothing was wrong. But I was pulled back to that place, that time immediately. You know? You can look at a photograph and remember that EXACT moment it was taken, what you were thinking, who was taking the photo, how you felt, everything around you. That happened to me last week. I saw this one photograph and I was pulled back through time so violently in those fist few seconds, and it was breathtaking. It was a happy memory, but it left me feeling so sad. I can’t even explain why. I just ached for that time, and it’s not that I’m not happy now, and it;s not that I’d trade it in, no way. It’s just… I was so happy, and it was before anything bad happened, or life got grown up, you know? I just wanted to go back. I wish I could do it all again, so badly it hurt. That photograph really stuck with me.
In fact, at 1am I ended up calling up that old friend who was in the picture with me, and we had a great chat. It was cool. But it was the kind of conversation that even though it was so easy, and fun, and friendly,.. at the end I had to let out a deep sigh when I hung up. It drained me emotionally. I felt so changed. I’m a totally different person now, than who I was when we were in that photograph. Is that a good or bad thing? I’m honestly not sure.
For anyone who cares, it was this photo.
I was about 17. So almost exactly ten years ago. I remember it so well. I remember the seconds before that photograph. I remember spilling my drink (yes.. I was tipsy then too..), I remember someone being annoyed in the background, after the photograph was taken. It doesn’t matter why, it was childish teenage drama, but yeah.. I remember every second. I was so happy and everything was so pure.
I think that’s what got me.
It’s like, oh look. there’s me, before everything went wrong. I’d never gone through much at this point, I had no responsibilities and no worries. It was pretty sweet. I guess that’s what this is all about in the end. I’m nostalgic sure, but I’m mourning the innocent person I once was. I do miss her.
I hope I can get little pieces of her back, over time. Bit by bit. I hope I can feel like her again, because she was so brave. Nothing scared her! It was pretty surreal actually, to have that armour, and remember what it felt like. That strength, I want that back.
Anyway, I guess tonight I just wanted to talk about looking back, being taken to specific moments, and remembering who we once were. Maybe you guys will do it, and you’ll love that you changed so much. Maybe like me, you’ll miss things about your old self.
Hopefully I can get her back though.
Wish me luck guys. I haven’t seen her in ten years… do you think she’ll recognise me?
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