As a few of you may know, this week my boyfriend Gary took a trip back home to Plymouth to visit his family; while I stayed here in Liverpool to keep on top of work and deadlines I have had. I knew I’d miss him a lot, as we’re one of those annoying couples who likes to do more or less everything together. I’m quite proud and surprised to say in the five years I’ve been with Gary, I’ve never felt ‘suffocated’ or got sick of him. That sounds harsh, but I know it can be quite natural. I had it with most other boyfriends, even if I loved them; I definitely needed my own space often. I’ve never felt that with Gary though, never felt the need to ‘get away for a bit’ which is lovely. Also I’m probably making you all puke, sorry, sorry, getting to the point I promise.
Anyway, when Gary very first left and got on his coach, I felt a range of things. Sadness for him being gone, worry/anxiety about not having anyone to rely on, motivation to get work done, and maybe a little bit lost. I got back to our flat and it felt very quiet indeed. I didn’t really know what to do with myself that first day, and I hate to admit that. I was a bit down. I never wanted to be that girl, pining after a boy. I always wanted to be the cool, independent girl who is fine with whatever. But I wasn’t that first day, that’s for sure.
However in the days that have passed I’ve surprised myself a lot; I’ve become comfortable with my own self quite quickly again, I’ve missed him of course, but not felt LOST. I’ve kept myself busy with work, I’ve enjoyed my usual hobbies and I’ve taken advantage of having the bed to myself. I’ve also caught up with friends and family – but I don’t want that to imply I’m that girl who only makes time for others when the boyfriend isn’t around. I loathe those people, and it’s simply not true. I see friends and family often, so it fell on this week as it would have anyway. But yeah, that was fun too.
Mostly I’ve realised that I’m totally okay on my own, but I just don’t want to be.
I am terrible at cooking, but I get the job done. I’m a little sloppy with housework when it’s just me here, but it still gets done, just at a slower pace. I can still have fun and enjoy myself, whether with friends or completely alone. I’m still motivated and productive, and I can miss someone without pining for someone.
I’m 100% happy about the fact that Gary will be home within about 24 hours from now, but I feel comforted knowing I’m not a total lost cause. I once had a very destructive relationship that really weren’t good for me, and anytime I was without said person, I was a mess. I never want to be that person again, and I think that’s where my anxiety stemmed from when Gary left. Would I be that girl again?
I wasn’t. I’m not. It’s awesome.
I don’t absolutely need Gary as though my life depends on it.
But damn, I’m really, really happy he’s home soon too.
It’s good to reevaluate your independence sometimes, I think.
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