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I Don’t Want To Be A Grown Up Anymore

21st January 2017

I’ve been thinking about how I’d like to be remembered, recently. To be clear, I’m not going anywhere. But I’ve sort of been mourning my youth the past few months. God no, I’m not that old (if anyone asks though, I’m 19 ok??). But in the past six months, I’ve had amazing, brilliant, wonderful things happen to me; opportunities given to me, and dreams in the process of being made. I’ve also experienced deep loss, fear, challenges and impending DOOM.

I’m so unfinished, obviously. But I feel terrified some nights, around 2am when I get to thinking about what’s to come, and what’s been already. I feel incredibly aware of how short life is, and it almost tightens around my heart with an iron grip.

I feel like I spent all my life looking forward to becoming a grown up. And now I’m here, and I don’t want it. I want to trade it in, give it to someone else, wait a while longer.

Of course I know age is just a number, and it certainly isn’t the number that keeps me awake at night; staring out at the city lights, feeling the need to run in the night air. It’s all the other shit that comes with the number. The responsibilities, the fear of not making bills, the friends having kids, the tick tock of strangers telling me to have children of my own, the buying houses, the choosing a ‘proper’ job, the settling down, the talking about fine wines when I’m much more at home with cheap vodka.

Okay, even if I can deal with all that shit; because like, first world problems.
What about all the stuff I’m losing?

Those nights lying in a field at 3am with one of my best friends talking about aliens, hair getting wet with dew, eyes red from that cheap vodka I mentioned. Or that weird tradition we had, where I’d go over to his house every Thursday evening and we’d get drunk. We’d try to put a fun spin on it each week, calling it ‘Theme Thursdays’ – except the theme was always to just be loud, get drunk, have his parents scream at us, then walk home at an ungodly hour.

Or maybe those parties we all used to have, for every tiny celebration possible; birthdays, new year, Summer, Fridays… We’d find someone with a ‘free house’ and invade it for the evening. Consuming more vodka than advised, taking drunken photos, falling down stairs, playing games, getting into fights, being dicks.
Now we all have ‘free houses’ but haven’t all spent time together in years. There’s kids, or jobs, or partners. I miss being that girl who crawled on the floor at a party, I miss seeing my best friend cry in a bathtub because her boyfriend ‘looked at her funny’, and then telling her to shut up crying and take a selfie with me, before it was even called a selfie (I still have these photos btw, I’m so emo, and she’s extra emo, with mascara all down her face, but still smiling at the camera out of sheer loyalty).

 

I miss texting ‘What u upto?’ ‘Nothin’, why?’ ‘Wanna come over and hang out?’ ‘Yep, cya in half hour’. I mean, except it was never half an hour because we were always fucking late. If by some miracle this happened today, bitch better not be late, nobody has the time to spare anymore. Speaking of which, it amazes me how much time we all wasted being late for everything. I remember my first ‘date’ with someone I was almost two hours late. I kept saying I was on my way, while panicking about my hair at home. He put up with that for another 3 years, just FYI.

Spontaneous tattoos, silly dares, sleepovers, agreeing to hand in College work late, skipping classes, car trips, beach days, empty streets, thick heavy eyeliner, late night busses, ripped tights, live bands, absolutely hating your parents for something ridiculous, wondering what ‘grown up you’ will be like, your favourite band meaning more than anything, glitter hairspray, writing in an actual journal, feeling like a loser and not realising just how absolutely amazing you were.

So much of this is in the past for me. A relief and a cruel joke in unison.

I miss so badly not knowing anything, and not having a clue. I’m not saying I have it all together these days (NO REALLY, I’M NOT); but like, being truly clueless was sort of beautiful, y’know?

There’s perks, sure. But I’m not certain I love this ‘grown up’ malarkey.

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  1. I didn’t quite have the party teen years you did but I feel this. I’m 21, engaged, pregnant and now panicking about having to suddenly become a responsible adult, find somewhere for three of us to live, and make sure we both earn enough to survive. Can I just be six again now please? ?

  3. Whenever I get panicked about being a grown up and all the responsibilities I have, i just try and think of all the good parts of being an adult.

    Things like being able to have a plate of chips for tea without anyone questioning the nutritional value of you meal. Being able to book a holiday whenever and wherever you want. Having a house house/flat to make your own instead of just one small room. Not having homework!

    But also just know you’re not alone in the fear. As far as I can tell, no adult feels like an adult. Everyone’s just doing the best they can!

    Liv // petticoatsandpatriarchy.com

  4. I didn’t have all that growing up, it sounds sad but I grew up surrounded by adults so I feel I’ve always been “grown up” and I missed out on having friends and drunken nights. I’m not sure how I can miss something I never really had. It wasn’t until I met Adrian that I actually started to live my life and have some fun. Don’t get me wrong but I love my Nan and Aunt but I had a very strict upbringing.
    Who says you can’t do those spontaneous texts now and who says you should be an adult just yet. Ok, the rent man might disagree haha!

    Sharon xx

  5. This brought on ALL the nostalgia. Growing up in a country town where most of us lived 5-10 minutes out of town and ages from any neighbours, the thing I miss most is “treks” – drinking way too much vodka or cask wine and going for a walk to nowhere in particular… usually ending with sitting/lying in the middle of a dirt road looking at the stars. That said, in the last few weeks I’ve been determined to not let that be “the end” of moments like that so I’m trying to make more memories like them – even if I never convince my city friends that drunk walks are fun.

    Being clueless, Pete Wentz-obsessed and over-mascara’d was definitely beautiful, but I think we can still take parts of those times and apply them to now – here’s to more spontaneous texts and catch-ups! x

    Jessi
    http://www.fullofliving.com

  9. I loved this post so much, it really resonated with me! Whenever I think of the future, I’m ridiculously, truly excited. Then two breaths later, I’m like ‘oh f**k, life is short’. I love looking back on memories from when I was younger. Keep your youthful, spontaneous spirit and don’t let anyone or anything (or any adulting for that matter!) stand in your way!
    xx
    Tasmin | http://www.grandiosedays.com

  10. This is such a beautiful post! Although I never had the typical teenaged days of getting stupidly drunk and having fun I do feel like I’ve aged, especially because nowadays I’m always worried about the time. Do I have time to just sit and read all day like I used to or should I be out there creating something? I can’t even have those lazy days like I used to where I sit in front of the TV stuffing my face with chocolate as I always worry about things like housework or just general adult stuff (eurgh). It really sucks. But I’m trying to get back into that phase because really, you’re only as old as you feel!

    Lizzie Bee // hellolizziebee.com

  11. I just turned 29. I feel your “pain”, I still feel 19 though I am almost 30! All I can say is, life is what you make it and if you don’t want to grow up, don’t…within reason. :] I am an elementary school teacher by day and a blogging/metal loving/dog rescuer by night. Do what you need to to support yourself while living your life. If you are lucky, your job and love will be one in the same!

    – ee
    https://entirelyerika.wordpress.com/

  12. I know exactly what you mean! My worst fear in life is that I’ve already peak and that this is as good as it’s gonna get! I guess it’s being past my mid-twenties, like you said, that impeding sense of doom… All we can do is try to remain positive and try out best, huh? 🙂

    Fernanda | Hey Fernanda Fletcher

  14. Every year i get older, i feel like i want it less. I rememeber wanting to grow up so fast when i was younger. NOOO WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?! Now when i get home cooked food by my mum or grandma im just like “LET ME BE 4!!!”
    Sure growing up is lovely with all the new experiences, but heck i do miss the times when i was younger and more carefree!

    ♡ Carina – Blog // YouTube

  16. LOVE this post! I know how you feel – I’ve been feeling funny about being grown up for ages but thought I was alone in feeling this way! I get tight chested late at night too, especially on a Sunday and wonder if I’m really doing what I want to be doing with my life, because time goes by so quickly. It’s scary, but we do get to do more as adults so we just have to make the most of it 🙂 I keep telling myself that we make our own timelines, so we can settle down and do the actual grown-up stuff when we’re ready! xx

  17. I love this post, and can absolutely relate! I think anyone who tells you they can’t relate is a liar – I think we all mourn the clueless, naïve young ‘uns we used to be! It was a better, more innocent time. Being a grown up is definitely not everything it’s cracked up to be. x http://www.aimeeraindropwrites.co.uk x

  18. I’ve not even graduated uni yet but I’m already mourning my ‘childhood’ so to speak- form here on it just gets harder & I wish I could go back to that ignorant bliss just for a little while every now and then! In a few months I’ve got to get that REAL JOB and I really don’t feel ready! It’s funny how we always see people of a certain age as grown up but when we get there ourselves we feel anything but grown up!

    http://taradaniella.com/