It’s time to get a bit personal and honest about this whole pregnancy thing, I reckon. Not that I haven’t been so far, I really have been quite open about the whole thing I guess. But I realised this week that I haven’t voiced those thoughts that keep me up at night, the worries that pang me in the middle of a conversation with someone, the sudden strike of utter fear in my heart when I realise how close it’s getting to baby being here.
The worst so far, was a few days ago when I looked at the countdown app on my phone to my due date; and it said I had 50 days to go. Upon writing this, I now have 46 days to go. FORTY SIX. That’s a month and a bit. That’s nothing! *Cue heart palpitations and rapid breathing*
You see, I’m a bit of a control freak if I’m honest. Always have been, and it’s a blessing and a curse. While I’m SO, SO, SO ready for those baby cuddles, and creating happy new memories as a little threesome; I’m also still definitely the girl who can get in a right temper about tangled wires, has trouble cooking the most basic meals, still phones her mum for help over every-sodding-thing, and who only just learned where the meter is in her own home. Yep. So being a control freak doesn’t help when I know I can’t control much about the birth. Or how things go afterwards.
People have asked me things since getting pregnant like, ‘How did you know you were ready?’ – and I’ve tried to answer politely, or in a funny way, or reassuring if it seems like that’s what they need. But truthfully? I don’t know! I don’t KNOW I’m ready. I’m just guessing I am. Because I want a baby, and so does Gary, and all the things that held us back in the past were now gone. So I just assumed now was the time? That probably sounds awful compared to other Mums or mums-to-be who speak of having this huge life changing urge to bring a baby into the world. I just admitted to winging it, and not having a clue if we’re ready. But I also don’t care about being like other mums, so I’m not particularly arsed, truth be told.
That’s one thing I’ve been grateful for during this pregnancy, and something I REAALLLYYY hope sticks after baby is born. I haven’t done any of that comparison shit. I don’t look at the way other people do things, and think ‘Oh gosh! Am I doing this right? Should I be doing this?? Do we need that??’. I just do whatever I feel like, and whatever I think is best. I have known a few people who fret over the littlest things, and worry about having X and Y things for baby as ‘it’s meant to be best’ etc; and in all honesty I’ve rolled my eyes most of the time.
I’m not saying I feel confident that I know it all, of course not! I openly admit I’m hopeless and won’t have a clue about truly looking after a baby, until baby is HERE and I’m doing it. I’m not afraid to ask other mums questions no matter how stupid they seem, but I don’t worry that I’m doing everything wrong. I just know I’m doing my best, which is what counts.
My worries and fears in the middle of the night aren’t about if baby will be happy, well looked after, or if we will cope with this big life change. My fears are about things like suddenly forgetting all my hynobirthing course and I panic during labour. I’m scared I’ll be taken into hospital and they will ignore all my preferences and wishes. I’m worried Gary won’t be able to stay with me (I’ll be insisting he does though if I have to, as I have panic attacks in hospital without him – experience tells me this). I’m worried about the labour in general. How bad will it be? Will I feel like I’m dying?? Why would people do this over and over again though if so?
I’m also dreading the idea of people judging my choices. I have wrote at the top of my birth notes that I will NOT be breastfeeding, and don’t wish to be pressured. And yet I dread that this will happen anyway.
I’m scared that I’ll forget to do something or buy something super important and essential before baby is here, and we’ll be fretting and making life harder for ourselves.
I’m scared of a lot basically.
I want this birth to go as smoothly and as comfortably and happy as possible, and I know that research shows that a relaxed Mum is MUCH more likely to have a better birth. But how do I get to that bit? I’m trying to let go of all these fears, and accept that things will work out, but it’s hard. It seems like a bit of a catch 22 that to have a good birth I need to relax, and I can’t relax because I’m worried about having a good birth. UGH.
Anyway, I thought I’d share some of these thoughts that have been floating around my head lately – in an effort to get them all out and feel better. Let’s hope it helps me get some sleep tonight eh?
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