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Diary Entry 11

30th May 2019

 

Ello ello folks! It’s been a bit of a minute hasn’t it? Sorry about that. I don’t force myself to blog if I don’t have time/am not in the mood/other responsibilities take over/etc. So often I can miss a week or two… or three.

Lately has just been a time thing, I feel like I haven’t had a spare moment! Gary’s working a lot of overtime lately, and any time I do have ‘spare’, I’m using to clean up the house so it’s not totally chaotic, or trying to work on products for my shop relaunch (just 8 weeks to go!!). I know I don’t have to be cleaning up manically and I should let myself relax more.. but I find having a messy house genuinely makes me feel on edge now. So it does me good to fix it, even if it takes up that one spare hour I have. 

I know, I’m so boring now!! I’m like a regular mom, not a cool mom.

I say mum really, but you get the reference.

ANYWAY

This week I’ve had my hair and nails done, so I’m feeling pretty nice and less of a hot mess than usual. I’ve been making a point of making self care a priority each week, even in just small ways; to keep me sane. Each week Gary and I make sure we have quality time together, and I make sure I get a chance to be creative. Self care means a lot of different things to different people; for me it’s quiet time alone with a canvas/my drawing tablet.

I’ve been reading almost every single day, and enjoying it so much. One of the most recent ones, and one I thoroughly recommend is Robin Ince’s ‘I’m a Joke and So Are You‘. It’s bloody BRILLIANT. A must read for anyone who likes thoughtful pieces breaking down the human psyche. In this case, he specifically delves into comedians and what it means to be humorous for a living. What’s it like to be a comedian? Why do some people do it? Is there a connection physically in the brain? As well as all that smart stuff, it’s just a bloody great read, that’ll make you laugh at loud.

I was also going to recommend a podcast in this post. But truthfully? There are so many! I have bloody loads that I try to keep up with and always fail. However, My Favourite Murder is always up there, and I’ve recently become addicted to The Good Place podcast. It’s for fans of the show obviously, but once you’ve watched the show I thoroughly recommend you check it out! I also love listening to Ted Talks.

As for River, he’s doing brilliantly! Teething is a bitch, but apart from that life is joyful in every sense of the word. H’es SO CLOSE to crawling. If you give him long enough, he can drag himself slowwwwly across a small space to get to a certain toy (or my feet, which he seems obsessed with), and it’s so cute! He’s also started pulling tongues loads, for no reason, and I can’t help but laugh every time. Weaning is going great, he mostly likes almost anything; but some odd vegetables make his face scrumple up! Porridge is his all time fave though.

Life is mostly quiet behind the scenes here. Motherhood really is the most wonderful thing, but it’s such a challenge. It’s boring, its repetitive, and it leaves you feeling like you’ll never do anything exciting ever again! I treasure the happy moments, the cuddles, the giggles, the fun, all that jazz. But when people ask what I’ve been up to, I don’t have much to tell them! I really is a boring case of washing, feeding, entertaining, and repeat, y’know? So I can understand why so many of us lose the ability to talk about anything but our kids. It’s not because we’re baby mad and don’t care about anything else. It’s because we haven’t been out in a year (not counting the weekly shop..) and we spend all day with someone who regularly screams at us, and makes us watch Hey Dougie all the time. 

I get this now. I never used to. I used to think, *Sigh* okay you have a fab kid, but like what else are you up to?. I didn’t grasp that they weren’t up to anything else. That they thought about their baby 24/7, that they hadn’t had time to read, or see a movie, or whatever. I was completely oblivious.

And that’s okay! I hadn’t had a baby, so I couldn’t have expected to know that.

But I get it now, and it’s hard.

We’re doing well though, and we only have two months before life, and our routine, changes again for us. In 2 months, I’ll officially be ‘back at work’ and I’ll have to spend hours everyday working, just to keep my business afloat. This makes me incredibly nervous. I need to be a success, or I won’t be able to pay bills. That was always the case, but now there’s also a tiny human relying on me. The stakes have definitely been RAISED. 

When I first start back, it’s going to be SO hard, juggling work and looking after River. I really will have to make sure as soon as he’s in bed at night, I’m working. I’ll also be making sure he goes to grans once or twice a week to help too. I’ve even thought about asking my own mum to come stay with us, the week before my business launches; so I can prep everything accordingly. I think I’ll need the help!

ALSO. A big and scary thing…

In September, River will be going to nursery.

I’m both terrified and thrilled at this.

It’ll be just two mornings OR two afternoons a week, for a while (I would have said just one a week, but they require you to book two spaces each week as a minimum). The nursery isn’t too far away from where we live, it would only be minutes away in the car, but if the sessions clash with Gary’s schedule; I’ll have to get the bus there and back (or it would be pointless taking River for the time it would take me to walk, if that makes sense!). 
I’ve been studying and looking into the place he will be going, and asking around; and I feel REALLY good about it. They have so much set up specifically for looking after his age group (He’ll be ten months) and strict rules to ensure he’s happy, and we are. I also had a friend who has worked specifically in nurseries looking after babies like him, tell me all the huge benefits of joining by that age; so I feel better.

But of course, I’m so scared too. I probably won’t leave for those first few sessions. I’ll wait outside obsessively, not wanting to leave him. I’ll definitely cry.

I actually never planned on putting him into nursery until he was about 2, or even 3. But we realised it would be absolutely impossible for me to work if I didn’t have some baby free time, even just short bursts. So for the sake of my business (and yknow, making rent), I have to give in. But I feel positive about it! If anyone has any experience of childminders/creches/babies in nurseries around 1 year old, please share any tips to help us through, or simply reassure me it’ll be okay! 🙂

 

So we have a short amount of time before life changes again for us, and I plan to enjoy every second until then.

With that in mind, I’m off!

Thanks for reading guys! xx

lovej

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