We’re nearing the end of November, what the hell?
Is it just me or did 2016 seem to go by in the craziest and most annoying of blurs? I feel like I took a nap and missed most of it. Well anyway, it’s coming to the end of November and I have a little confession to make. I have my Christmas tree up already, eep!
Today I have woken up with the worst attack of flu ever; my throat almost closing over, migraines, struggling to breathe, tight chest, the full monty of flus basically. So Gary decided to cheer me up by making the flat very festive, as he knows I’ve been keen to this week! So yep, we have the Christmas tree up, tinsel hanging everywhere, and fairy lights blinking as I type this. I know it’s not even December yet, but try not to judge me.
(Dress from Lovedrobe*)
I know it’s only Tuesday, but I felt the need to check in with you all this evening. I never got a chance last Sunday to do my favourite chatty catch up type posts, and since I’m sick, on the sofa huddled in blankets with the laptop; I thought I might as well say hey and catch up with you guys. So hey! (sympathy welcome).
The last week was strange, I was very low, then very high. I got myself super stressed, had a cry, tested my nerves to the edge and wondered if if all the effort I put into my work was even worth it. Then after my hissy fit, I created these cute donut and milk carton stickers. So not all bad. Then I got super cheered up, by catching a movie with two all friends I never see enough off. We went to see Fantastic Beasts and oh my god it was amazing. Eddie Redmayne was bloody brilliant, the story had me hooked, and I even shed a little tear at the end. Definitely one to go see!
I received some bloody lovely things in the post recently, like the dress shown above from Lovedrobe. I absolutely love it! They actually sent me two lovely dresses, and I’ll be wearing the pink one to an event soon; so I’m sure I’ll share photos with you all. If I can manage to get an OKAY-ish one.
I’m still super petrified and horrified by photos of myself, and I’m really trying to change that. It’s so, so hard though. I didn’t tell anyone this; but around 2 months ago I was invited by a magazine that I’m pretty sure you’ll all know, to go to London and meet them. They wanted to do a full photoshoot, interview and feature within the magazine – and it would have been AMAZING. Can you guess what happened? I turned them down. I just couldn’t bear the thought of someone photographing me at all in a professional setting. Let alone ME be the sole focus, have everyone stare at me, have to do it for HOURS, and just looking an absolute mess compared to what they’re used to.
Here’s the bit where I’m probably supposed to say I regret turning them down, but I can’t. See the thing is, even weeks later, this makes me incredibly sad I missed this opportunity; but I 100% know I’d say no again if they asked tomorrow. It’s a horrible thing to know, to realise that you are holding yourself back. Especially as someone who loves trying new things, pushing herself, and being ambitious. Yet it’s my own fault, but I really, truly can’t help it.
I see full length photos of myself and want to tear them up immediately, I want to cry. I hate everything about my body. It makes me feel sick, and it makes me angry whenever people get photos of me like this. Which is obviously ludicrous because they don’t realise how it makes me feel, and it’s just me being a bit of a dickhead. It’s not even the fact that I’m fat. See, I do want to change that, I really do if we’re being honest. But it’s not that at all, I’ve always felt this way about photographs, even when I was very slim. And I adore, admire and full on do heart eyes at a load of plus size bloggers who flaunt it; so what exactly is my problem?
I just feel my body isn’t right, and I truly hate it.
I know, that’s really not a nice thing to say about myself, but there we go.
I’m trying to change my body physically, and also trying to change my mind and the way I see myself. But it’s so god damn hard.
I’m really scared that I’m always going to hold myself back. Especially because as a blogger, people connect with you more the more they SEE YOU. It’s just basic human instincts; you connect with people who do videos, who share photos, who aren’t afraid to be themselves and share it with the world. And here I am trying to do that, while also wanting to cringe every time I see a photo or video of myself. I even obsess about times I’ve met bloggers at events, and wondered if they were just full of judging me afterwards, thinking about how ugly and awkward and gross I am.
There was one blogger that I really worried about meeting once; and the first time she met me she came right up to me, hugged me, told me I looked pretty and that we needed a picture together. I have never told her, but she made me cry that night when I thought back to that moment, and it still really pulls at my emotions now. And I don’t think she ever knew, because I always act so confident meeting people. I’m skilled socially you see, I know this. But afterwards when I’m alone I turn into this self hating, terrified mess.
I suppose what I’m saying here is, I’m really sick of being like this. I’m really trying to change how I feel about myself, but I’m not sure if I can. I just kind of wanted people to know, no matter how happy/excitable/confident I may seem, I’m definitely not like that on the inside. It kills me.
Let’s hope by the time the next big opportunity comes knocking, I’m ready to bloody answer that door.
Wish me luck. xx
Oh bless you Gemma. That blogger was totally right, you’re beautiful inside and out! But I think we all have days, or bits of our bodies that we want to change, or change how we feel about them and ourselves.
I hope you know just how much you’re loved, and you’re never alone.
xx
Firstly Jemma, Yayy for Christmas decorations. Secondly I love this dress, you look amazing in it and it goes with your new hair so well! Finally I can really relate to everything you are saying about the self esteem. I feel the exact same about myself and photographs & just my general appearance. In front of people I put on a brave face but then when Im on my own, I just crumble into bits. I want to change too, but it’s so hard to! But we’ll get there eventually, I’m sure of it! 🙂
Heather Xx
100waysto30.co.uk
Oh my god I want to give you all of the hugs for a whole host of reasons. One, you’re feeling shit and hooray for Gary on the decs front, well done that man. Two, body image rubbishness, this made me so sad and I know we can all hate photos of ourself, the sucking in and straightening to try and get your good side. It can all be a bit shit. I hope you figure out a way for you to become more comfortable with it all.
I really hope you feel well soon. Hooray for good movies, pretty dresses, fabulous stickers and excellent future husband types xx
Honestly Aine
You are beautiful inside and out and I’m positive one day you will believe that xxx
This actually made me sad to read. I think the sheer honesty used throughout really hit me hard. My darling, I’m not going to sit here and tell you not to hate your body because I’m sure my words won’t do anything. But what I do know is that the person inside that body makes a huge difference to the blogging community and everyone adores you. Seeing yourself with loving eyes is hard, because of course, we can see all our imperfections (even ones that aren’t really there). I hope that one day soon you’ll realise you wonderful you really are and that these feelings fade away.
Hugs.
PS. I really want to put my Christmas tree up now!
I’m sorry you feel this way. I understand though, because I’m still going through this myself. With that being said, Jemma you’re so inspiring whether you believe it or not. You’re one of the coolest people and one day if we get the chance to meet, I will give you the biggest hug ever! You have motivated a lot of us and if it wasn’t for “The Girl Gang” I wouldn’t have came out of my shell. You see I have a hard time opening up to others. So thank you and sorry for the long comment!
~Ashley
I’m going to gloss over the confidence part because you know I love you and I think you look like a fucking stunning sassy rainbow.
I will however judge you for having your tree up. I actually rolled my perfectly winged eyeliner eyes!
Holly ∣ Closingwinter
Firstly, I can’t believe you have your Christmas tree up :’) I kind of want to but Stu says I’m not allowed to put it up until December 1st – argh!
Secondly, I don’t want to say I know exactly how you feel – because no one knows EXACTLY how you feel, but I think I definitely understand at least a little. My body has changed so much in the past couple of years, I’m bigger than ever, but I’ve always hated my body and hated photographs of me, even when I was really slim! I look back now and think ‘how did I hate my body when I looked like that?’, I think it’s just something that once it’s programmed into our brains, it’s hard to get out. I recently was tagged in a photo taken on a birthday outing with some of my very best friends, but I can’t enjoy the photo, because all I can think of is how hideously fat I look. It’s really bloody annoying and horrible. I will say that I think you look amazing, you come across as confident in photos and I think you’re bloody gorgeous, I don’t know if that makes any difference at all to you but I want to say it anyway.
All the love <3
It’s really hard to get yourself out of this mentality but with some good support (which you have in gary) you’ll slowly but surely (hopefully) come out the otherside.Youre not alone with the body issues,i’ve battled with my weight for years and i’m trying to change my eating habits too.If you ever want to talk i’m always happy to,it makes me so sad that youre down.
I love your fashion posts,the george post was beautiful but this dress is stunning.I love dresses like this,going to have a look for my holi bobs.
Yaaaay to the christmas tree and decor going up,i cant wait to get ours all done!
Sending you all the love in the world to get better jem xx
Wooo for having your Christmas decorations up, I honestly think I would too if I had my own place – one damn day I will! I feel you with the lack of self confidence, I too can be my own worst enemy because I’m so conscious and overthink everything. I think we all have things we want to change, be it our weight, lips or the way our hair falls (random examples I know haha) and whether we go ahead and do it or not, we deserve to feel great regardless. It’s something I battle with everyday and I hope, like you, that one day I can feel fearless and just content within myself. If it’s any consolation, I totally fangirled when you followed me on IG the other day because you’re super cool, pretty and just an all round awesome woman.
Lottie Unlimited | Beauty, +SizeFashion and Lifestyle Blog
I’m mildly jealous that you have your christmas tree up already! I probably won’t have anything festive until mid-december.
Extending all the hugs to you, though. Body acceptance is one of those things that takes so much time and a hell of a lot of mental overhauling. You’re such a wonderful person and I am absolutely sure that you’ll get there, and you’ll open all the doors to these opportunities at points when you feel ready xo
Fii | little miss fii | uk fashion & lifestyle
I 100% feel your pain about the flu, I’ve had it all week myself it’s horrific! I hope you start to feel better soon.
I do understand what you mean about body issues. I’ve always loved fashion blog posts & outfit posts on Instagram but never done one myself because I hate my body and the thought of having a full body photo makes me want to cry!
I hope you are eventually able to over come it and take hold of those opportunities with both hands! You can do it!
Katie Ellen. X
Oh no, I hope you feel better soon! The flu is the worst… it just sucks all the motivation right out of you.
I know where you’re coming from in terms of the body issues. We’re always so much more critical about ourselves than anyone else is – we are truly our own worst enemy. I do hope that one day you can accept your body. Although it is part of you, it doesn’t define you.
It won’t happen over night, but even just looking in the mirror everyday and telling yourself what you like about yourself may help and let you accept yourself over a course of time?
Take care,
http://www.lindseyginge.com
I can relate to SO MUCH OF THIS OMG especially the last part, exatly that. I feel like we grow into ourselves and how okay we are with it over a long time… at least I damn hope so… so here’s hoping that happens! Here’s hoping we grow into being okay with ourselves inside and out!
Awh, hope you feel better soon! What you’re going through sounds horrible, and I wish you all the best <3 you can do this!
Lizzie Bee // mysticthorn.com
Ah, I’m totally with you on the body confidence and photographs thing. My son is 18 months old and I’m still carrying an extra stone or two and a dress size bigger and I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. The worst thing is I hate having my photo taken. I have millions of photos of my son but I’m only in the odd one or two that I haven’t deleted. I know when I’m older I’m going to want some kind of record of family life when he was growing up but I just feel so hideous.
Well done you for being so open and honest about your feelings. So many of us go through life putting on a brave face, and all we do is hurt ourselves and create illness. Be proud that you are taking charge and working through your challenges. And thanks for sharing ?
Aww Jemma – this post made my heart hurt. I so wish you could see what everybody else sees when they look at you. This kickass, badass woman who looks absolutely bloody stunning in every photograph I have ever seen. And I know you’d look bloody stunning if I ever got the chance to meet you in the flesh. I know, all too well, how impossible it can be to see yourself that way though. And hating yourself, it’s exhausting. But I think you deserve a big well done for your honesty and openness in this post. It must have been difficult to write. x http://www.aimeeraindropwrites.co.uk x
Ahhh this twisted my heart! You are gorgeous and don’t ever doubt yourself! I fully understand where you are coming from. We are so used to ourselves and seeing how we look everyday that it’s so easy to start picking out flaws! It becomes such a self loathe that when we end up being complimented we just can’t accept that they are telling the truth. It’s a learning progress and eventually you literally will not give a F what anyone thinks! Keep up the good work gorge!!!! ?
Laura| http://www.lauralivinglife.com
Hi Jemma, I have found you via Catherine, Not Dressed as Lamb’s latest post featuring her favourite links from the blogosphere this month.
You write so openly and honestly abc that is to be admired. First of all, you are beautiful. And talented. And have a fabulous blog. I don’t feel qualified to give any advice other than to perhaps take baby steps. Ask someone you feel the most comfortable with to take some full length photos in your favourite outfits and build from there. Take as many as you can in different positions/poses to enable yourself to see which you like the most of yourself. Everyone has a favourite side and a signature pose andonce you find yours, you’ll feel much more comfortable looking at yourself.
Good luck, love Liz http://www.whatlizzyloves.com xxxxxxxx
Jemma – you look absolutely stunning in those pictures & the dress suits you so so well!! I know it can be so hard to be at peace with yourself but I just want you to know what a wonderful human being you are & that you’re perfect just the way you are. Honestly, you inspire me so much and I think a lot of other people as well. I really hope you’ll feel better soon – both with overcoming the flu & about yourself. Much love x
Sara’sChapters
Jemma, first of all, don’t say it’s not okay to think and write those things about your body. Even though I think you’re beautiful the way you are, I know what it means to feel awful when they take a picture of you and you can see how your body looks. But it just that, looks. And you can always change it. You have a beautiful soul, and I can tell you’re an amazing person, and that’s something that I believe it naturally comes to you, you can’t change it. And you’ll always be able to change your body. I look up to you, so I hope you can feel better and take all those opportunities bc we would be so so happy to see you in every single magazine!
I send you lots of love,
http://www.blossomikebana.com
Hi Jemma, like Liz I also found you via Catherine. I hope you don’t mind me saying this but have you considered you may actually have a condition known as Body Dismorphic Disorder? Perhaps you can ask your GP about that? How we feel about our own image is rather important, not from a narcissistic perspective but from a “happy with my life” perspective. I really hope you tackle this head on because a talented & beautiful woman such as yourself, should never be ashamed of her body.
Mx
Oh Jemma! I know exactly how you feel as I’m exactly the same. You look lovely in all your pictures, but as you know this is a confidence and self-esteem issue. It’s your state of mind and your perception of yourself. To everyone else you are a beautiful inspiring blogger. Sadly I think we are all under too much pressure to look a certain way. I hope you can find a way to change your mindset and see yourself for who you really are. A massive pat on the back for writing this though as you’re def not alone and will help others. XXXX
♥ Carly Susanne – A Beauty & Lifestyle Blog
Wishing you all the best of luck. And it’s horrible that you’re feeling that way about yourself. You look gorgeous in these photos and I’m sure plenty more opportunities will come knocking when the time’s right for you.
eleanor
elleanorwears.com
I’m so sorry you feel that way about yourself, because you are beautiful and seem like a very lovely person. All I can say is that I used to be the same, but somewhere along the line, things got better. And now I’m posting photos of myself in a bikini without even giving it a second thought. I’m not saying that’s something you need to do, I’m just saying that things can and will get better. It just might take some time. Take care and have a lovely rest of the week! xx
I think there are other ways to connect with your audience other than filming/photos of your self, and I really hope you don’t beat yourself up about it too much. I love posts like this, where you really get to know the blogger behind the blog as it were. Also, there are SO many other things that you’ve braved doing, like starting Youtube and hosting the GG event, and I really think you ought to be proud of yourself.
Sending love
Steph – http://www.nourishmeblog.co.uk
You are an absolutely wonderful human, remember that. xxxxxxxx
Such a poignant post. I think you look amazing. I love your dress, your bold hair colour and your amazing work of art on your arms. I have put on about 4st in the last 8 years, when I look back at pictures of me previously, I am so slim and I look amazing. I feel like now I would give anything to be back there again which is so sad!!
I am on a mission to change myself but I need to earn how to change my inside self rather than my outside – if that makes sense? I also now don’t even go out much or take any photographs. I am dying to do Youtube videos but I don’t want to put myself on there. So they are my goals!
Rachael xox
http://gatsbyandglamour.blogspot.com
You are a beautiful and REAL human being <3
Sarah 🙂
Saloca in Wonderland
Oh darling, how aweful for you to feel like this. And how dangerous. Self hate is a dark road. I so hope you will find a solution for it. You probably need a good person, preferably skilled at such emotions, to help you. Such a journey cannot be walked alone. Life is so much lighter and more enjoyable when you can shed such thoughts.
Whishing you lots of strength.
Greetje (a 62 year old blogger)
I truly appreciate your honesty and self-awareness in this post girl. So much of the blogosphere, especially plus size/body shaming related, is “LA LA LA FAKE IT TIL U MAKE IT IM BEAUTIFUL” when you *know* there are hidden insecurities there and nobody feels sexy and fierce all the time, or even most of the time (or any of the time, in mine and plenty others’ cases) That kind of echo chamber doesn’t do anything to change anything, it is just a band-aid that might help people ignore themselves for their entire lives.
So firstly, I applaud your honesty. secondly, I am so sorry you feel this way. I have been there. I am still there, sixty pounds later. Less so, but the insecurities creep up. I will say based on what I’ve read here, I highly suggest finding a therapist, or trying some cognitive behavioral therapy at the very least (I used moodgym and it helped a ton, and it’s free!) But as No Fear of Fashion said below….such a journey cannot be walked alone.
I still believe the path is yours to walk alone, but you can and should have help along the way. If you need any other resources, let me know, I’m a bona fide fucking insane as fuck person and I know my way around psychology/psychiatry/therapy/all that shit.
I’m here if you need to talk as well. And for what it’s worth, you are completely beautiful! And when I look at your body I just see a regular female body, not some grotesque quasimodo whatever it is you see. It probably doesn’t mean much, but just thought I’d chime in that we’re not looking at you like you are looking at you.
I have to say this… your beautiful Jemma (both inside and out), and I completely respect your honestly within this post!…
Plus, I’m absolutely loving your purple’y toned hair, it really suits you! X
Confidence in ones self and how you feel about yourself is something we all deal with, so I’m glad you aren’t sugar coating it and being truthful. It’s so hard having a battle with yourself knowing you are a beautiful person but still hating the way you look. I refuse for people to take profile shots of me because I hate my nose but friends don’t see anything wrong. Just like we all see you as the gorgeous person you are its hard for us to see it ourselves.
Just know you are loved and it’s okay to still struggle with yourself.
Much love Jem! x
Rai | http://www.utterardour.com